January 2010
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R.I.P. black houndstooth tights
You were too beautiful and dangerous for this world. I’m glad we could have that 10 minutes together.
December 2009
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The first payment on my student loans is due on...
What a kick in the teeth that is. You’re dying alone, AND you owe us a pile of money.
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Does anyone have any ideas for what I can do with...
This is only the second time I have gotten dressed up since I cut my hair short, and last time, my friend curled it for me. Right now, I’m just going to put a sparkly clip in it. Is there anything else I can do?
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Burn Your Life Down - Tegan and Sara
I had this...
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Holy hangover Batman.
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Something in this office is creaking.
I feel like I’m in an old ship. I don’t want to be in an old ship.
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So I should probably clear this up.
Remember that tube of toothpaste I mailed to Florida? Well, when I opened the box it wasn’t there. It was actually in a different Duane Reade bag under a pile of clothes on my desk chair. Sorry I’m not as big a trainwreck as you thought I was.
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END OF TIME! END OF TIME!
In HD!
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“Dad, your life has more purpose than a man who poses as a statue.”
– Things I shouldn’t have to reassure my dad of, but just did on the way back from the mall.
synecdoche:
death cab for cutie - the sound of...
“That sounds like paranoid schizophrenia to me!”
– My mother has said this twice in two days. My mother is not a mental health professional.
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My mom just asked me if my grandma has a potato...
Yes? No? She’s an 85-year-old woman I’m sure she has accumulated quite a few kitchen utensils in her lifetime. When I asked her why I would know this she responded, “I thought maybe she would have told you.” Yes mother, grandma and I have many deep and meaningful conversations about mashed vegetables. It’s in the drawer to the left of the sink.
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“I like to look at catalogs and just dream.”
– My dad is a little homeless girl in the 1930s.
Emily and I talk about Christmas
Me: I'm sleeping in a creepy old lady bed. Also there is a picture of Jesus STARING at me.
Emily: Eek. Remember when I had to sleep in papa rick's house, under a portrait of his mother.
Me: Yes I remember that. Also I stepped on the scale in the bathroom and it talked. I'm in a crazy old lady funhouse. Basically.
Emily: Eek! I'm watching Tammy Faye Bakker talk to a wig.
Me: Our lives are exciting and normal.
Emily: That's the tagline of our old maid documentary.
Me: The sequel to Grey Gardens.
Emily: "Is this more unseen footage? No, it's just different delusional trainwrecks."
Me: Living in a house of cats and glitter.
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This could fall under the title of things that I...
(carrying my rolling suitcase across the parking lot)
Mom: Do you want to put that down and pull it?
Me: No, it makes too much noise. I don't like to make that much noise when I walk. I like to move silently through the night. Undetected.
What was your best present today?
I think mine was McSweeneys. The gift that keeps on giving.
Merry Christmas, dudes.
I got McSweeney’s, tights and all three seasons of Arrested Development. Hope your day is fucking great.
I'm the weird person that stares at people with...
This woman was listing all the dvds they had for the little girl to watch and she said The Mighty Ducks, and the little girl said, “What are the mighty ducks.” WE ARE ALL SO OLD.
emilytoldmeto:
“Santa Baby” — Eartha Kitt
I'm watching White Christmas again.
I kind of really fucking love this movie. There are a couple of moments in this movie that I think are incredibly influential in my life.
Danny Kaye’s socks in the scene where he pretends to fall down the stairs.
The woman that responds, “mutual I’m sure” every time someone introduces themselves to her.
The dress Rosemary Clooney wears during that song about love being...
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Well this sounds fucking WONDERFUL →
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So I just cleared up some confusion that I have...
I have this problem where I get people confused. Not real life people but famous people. Especially if they look similar, have similar sounding names or are associated with similar things. It wasn’t until high school that I figured out the distinctions between Orson Welles, H.G. Wells and George Orwell. Then there was the time that I thought Christian Bale was Tom Cruise.
Well, I just...
Stereotyping People by Their Favorite Author →
dcwhip:
shorterexcerpts:
bmichael:
James Joyce
People who do not like John Cusack movies.
That Is So True!
Some other good ones:
Salman Rushdie
People who google image search Padma Lakshmi late at night.
Christopher Buckley (or William F. Buckley)
People who love excess verbiage.
Ayn Rand
Workaholics seeking validation.
David Foster Wallace
Confirmed 90’s literati.
Jane...
I picked the right time to go get coffee
Jonas Brothers on Regis and Kelly.
